


What if it was all different?

by therosewriter



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 16:53:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18450719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therosewriter/pseuds/therosewriter
Summary: What if that night had gone differently?





	What if it was all different?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my first fic, I didn't really intend to publish it on here but in thought why not? I wrote this while crying after watching the film, in an attempt to cheer myself up. I hope you enjoy it :)))
> 
> Dislaimer: I do not own the dead poets society or any of the characters affiliated with it. I merely borrowed them.

he was going to go it now, what use would staying do? his father didn't love him and his mother was too weak to do anything, he would never have the life he wanted, none of the choices he made would be his. his whole life would be orchestrated by a cruel thoughtless man. that would hardly be a life worth living, would it? 

pulling back the covers and stepping out onto the floor, everything seemed to be so much more simple, all he had to do was get the gun, get it over with and then, well, nothing he supposed. he was in an almost dreamlike calm and turning to the window, the moonlight shining through and casting dim shadows about the sparse room, he thought he'd like to feel the air on his face once more and the hush of the wind one last time. the cold metal of the latch felt like ice to his warm fingertips, the rush of air like a thousand shards of glass. not knowing quite why but feeling that it was a fitting thing to do, his pale hands reached down to the bedside table and returned to his head with puck's crown. he would spend his last moments on this earth in the state in which he had been happiest. he stood there for a while longer, letting the moonlight bathe his skin, and the snow freeze in his memory, he could have been so happy if only he was allowed.

Treading down the stairs, he gripped the cold metal gun in his hand, almost by force of habit, he turned into his father's office and sat down in the leather chair. he placed his crown on the desk, for such an event as death could not be allowed to sully such a fragrant and fleeting memory as of earlier that night. and brought the gun to his head, cold metal pressing just above his ear. his fingers tightened on the trigger and he closed his eyes. A thought crossed his mind "and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not truly lived". for had he truly lived? was one night of rebellion and happiness enough to sanctify a life of living a nightmare? was joining a dead poets society enough? or was he kidding himself? giving himself the easy way out of a terrible situation?

Todd lay awake in his bed at welton. He was alone, and he was worried about Neil. Usually when Neil's father told him to do something he would try to fight it, but today he just gave in. He felt selfish that he was lying here, pitying himself for feeling lonely whilst Neil was probably going through hell with his father. He wanted to see Neil, he hadn't got a chance to tell him he was amazing in the play. During the play, Todd was working up the nerve to tell Neil about... To tell Neil about... About what he felt. He was pretty sure Neil felt the same way, judging by the amount of times todd had caught him eyeing him up in the shower room, and the classroom, and their dorms. So basically everywhere? Todd had decided that he couldn't stand it anymore. Nevertheless, it was still a terrifying thing to do. Resolving to make sure Neil was OK, Todd crept out of his bed, put on his boots and dressing gown (he must have looked like a lunatic), left his shared dorm and tiptoed down the hallway. Thank god the school dog was asleep, he usually brought treats to make it shut up he hadn't remembered this time. Dumb luck he supposed. 

The winter night bit his face and his boots made deep tracks in the snow. The wind picked up and an icy sheet of snow obscured his vision. Disorientated, he slipped on the frozen compressed snow and tumbled down an unfamiliar path. Oh no. Now he was lost, and freezing. It was fine he could get back on the path in no time. Pushing himself up with his bare hands planted in the snow, a sharp pain seared up his leg. He fell back down into the snow and lay there, how was he supposed to get back now? He let his mind wander, he was really worried about Neil now. Who was going to go and make sure he was alright? His eyes slipped out of focus as the cold coaxed him into a frozen slumber.

Sharp breaths escaped his throat as his mind raced. lowering the gun, placing it on the table, he dropped his head into his hands and sobbed like a child. he couldn't stay here anymore, he wasn't going to let his father dictate his life any longer. he had to get back to the others. to Todd and Charlie, Knox, Steven, Richard, gerard. he had to live a life he was proud of, a life that he had chosen. He was going to dictate his life from now on. That meant getting back to Todd and telling him how he felt about him, even if it was only unrequited love, he still had to make sure Todd knew. stumbling out of his father's office, he opened the door and stepped out into the cold night. his bare feet pressed into the snow and made deep prints in the unmarked surface, he rejoiced in the air against his face once more.

his breath evaporating in white clouds before him, Neil tumbled through the entrance hall, finding his way through up the stairs and to the corridor. he counted the doorhandles up the corridor until he found his own. would Todd be awake? now the adrenaline of his revelation was wearing off, he began to realise how cold he was his feet must have bee blue and his lips purple. hair speckled with snowflakes and bright shining eyes. he raised his hand and found it knocking gently on the door, the familiar wood felt warm compared to the outside world and he took a moment to wonder if death would have been cold, like a gun pressed against your head, a dreadful sickly cold that strangled you. there was a soft clatter from inside his room and presently the doorknob turned. Neil's eyes were met by the sleepy, surprised eyes of Charlie! He must have counted wrong. His lips felt like frozen concrete and all he could stutter out was "where's todd-? ". then his knees fell to pieces and he collapsed before Charlie exhausted, his eyes closed and he fell to sleep right there on the floorboards of the corridor. 

Charlie was confused, very confused actually. He was glad that Neil was here, he had been fretting about what his father might have done to Neil, or what Neil might have done to himself. He had been rudely awoken by a feeble knocking on the door, Charlie, being the prankster he was assumed it was one of his friends scheming to pour a bucket of water over his head. Warily, he padded over the door and opened it. And there was Neil, pale as the snow in his hair and looking deathly cold. A whispered name escaped his lips before he collapsed. After dragging Neil onto his bed and making sure he was actually still alive, he went to find Todd. He wasnt sure why Neil had come to him first, seeing as Todd and Neil were practically in love (even if they hadn't admitted it to each other yet). However, on entering Neil's dorm he found it empty. Worriedly, Charlie started banging on his friends doors. 

A few minutes later, the whole of the D.P.S were standing, or sitting out in the hallway, dazed and confused. Charlie took centre stage as he explained what he thought had happened. "Neil just came back, cold as death and practically collapsed in my arms. He fine for now, I put him in bed and gave him a ton of blankets. I'm more worried about Todd at the moment. Or, to be more precise, the lack of Todd. I think he got worried about Neil and took it upon himself to make sure he was alright. But he hasn't come back, he would have met Neil on his way here of he had been on the right path... I think he's gotten lost, which means he's somewhere out there in the cold and dark and we need to find him." the group was serious now, Todd was their friend and they all loved him fiercely, they were going to find him no matter what. 

The D.P. S were ready, coats, hats, gloves and boots had been donned, they were prepared to fight the cold and get todd back. Steven and Gerard had offered to stay behind and look after Neil, so he wasnt totally alone when he woke up. That left Charlie, Knox, and richard.

They had been looking for what felt like hours, each step they took seemed to take them only further away from finding Todd. "wait, Knox, did you hear that?" "I'm pretty sure it was just the wind Nuanda" "im not sure, i dont want it be him and then we just ignore it." following the faint cry, Charlie slid down the side of the path into the uncharted path. Then he saw him "TODD" Charlie called out, "its okay todd, we've got you". Todd winced as they picked him up, the subzero temperature had partly numbed his leg, but it still had a dull ache. 

Stumbling up the stairs, dragging snow into the dorm room, the boys dumped Todd into his bed. They were exhausted, but Todd wasn't in good shape, a deep gash ran up the inside of his leg and the blood had seeped into his thin flannel pyjamas and frozen. He was half asleep, but mumbling about how he had to "get to Neil... cold...needs me...so sorry... Neil...", and he was shivering to the point that his whole body was shaking violently. Charlie was knelt down on the floor next to Todd's bed, he ran a worried hand through his hair, got up and left the room. A few minutes later, he returned with a much more alive looking Neil. "hey Richard, Knox, come to the kitchens with me, we need to get something warm for Todd" Charlie said softly, he gave a small sad smile to Neil and cleared out. Leaving Neil and Todd alone.

Todd had calmed down a bit and was no longer mumbling incoherently, but his lips were still a worrying shade of blue. "hey Todd, um... Thanks for trying to come and get me. Even though you didn't get to me... I guess you're the only reason why I didn't... Well we'll talk about that later. You look freezing Todd, I'm so sorry I let this happen to you." Neil let his head drop into his hands, tears threatened to spill out of his eyes as he thought about the events of tonight. He looked back up to see Todd, gazing at him, a mischievous glint in his eye. With a small smile, he tugged back his blanket and cocked his head,gesturing for Neil to lie next to him. Neil couldn't help the look of surprise on his face. Nevertheless, he climbed in and lay beside Todd, who, at this moment in time, was possibly the most beautiful creature that Neil had ever seen. He wanted nothing more than to lean in just a few centimetres, to close the gap between himself and Todd. Then it was happening, Todd leant forward and tentatively pressed his lips against Neil's. Todd pulled away, nervously checking if Neil was angry at him for kissing him. Neil looked into Todd's uneasy eyes and smiled. Closing the distance once more, Neil pressed his lips against Todd's, more forcefully this time, and Todd kissed back, his hand snaking its way up into Neil's hair. Then Neil felt his lips part as his and Todd's tongues collided and Neil let out a soft moan. Putting his hand on Todd's waist, he pulled him closer and deepened the kiss. Once their lungs had failed them, they broke apart and Neil kissed Todd on the forehead, "I love you Todd Anderson" he said, through a smile "I love you too Neil Perry" came Todd's reply as he nestled into Neil's chest, enveloped in warmth and love. They would talk about what had happened tommorw, for now, they were contented to lie in each others arms and sleep.


End file.
